I have heard it all before. I’ve had men be amused and giggle to themself at the thought that “self-love” is just another way of saying pleasuring yourself. I’ve had others say it's just a fancy way of saying self-help. And I’ve had people just be completely confused, “why do I need to learn self-love? I obviously love myself… duh”. And to be quite honest, you’re all right. Self-Love is all of those things and more. All self-love is good love, but that's not the self-love we'll be talking about today.
When we get down to it, self-love encompasses so many different things. That's why I put together this short list to help you accept yourself and attract the love you deserve.
Self-Care IS Self-Love
Let's skip the toxic positivity and get straight to the point; taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually is the most important thing you can do for yourself.
You Don't Have To Be Perfect
Today's world is filled with social media posts depicting the perfect lives, events and moments of our friends, family and celebrities. Very few people post photos of an argument with their spouse, crying babies, or breakups. Who wants to remember those things? It's natural to want to remember our best moments, and that's why we shouldn’t compare ourselves to those moments or hold ourselves to those standards. It’s impossible. You’re not that person, or at least not all the time. You’re you. Good moments, hard moments, and those in between.
Give yourself permission to be less than perfect, flawed and even broken if necessary. It’s what makes you uniquely imperfectly perfect. This is what makes you beautiful.
You Can't Control Everything, So Don't Try
Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
Toxic Relationships Have No Place In Your Life
I wonder why we keep trying to fix things, people, or relationships. The truth of the matter is, you don't owe anyone $HIT! If people are toxic, mistreating or abusing you, that's on them, not you.
What you do need to do is ask yourself. Would I do this to anyone, forget someone you love? Just would you do this to anyone? Do I deserve this? If your answer is. F*CK NO. Then you are my people. The next question I’m going to ask is, what will you do about it? Self-Love is about coming to an understanding of what your needs and boundaries are. How important is it that my asks are respected? If your answer is ALL OF THEM, I’m not willing to compromise my needs and boundaries. Well then, sister, I’m going to say it… If you’re not going to let someone disrespect your requirements again, you’ll have to start with yourself. Learn how to respect your own worth. It takes time, and that's okay as long as you work toward it. I’m proud of you. I know some relationships are easier to leave behind than others, and in some cases, you'll need help. Reaching out and asking for help is hard, I know. I’ve been there. One thing I have learned. I can’t do it all on my own. (we'll cover this at a later time). I promise you, there are resources and people out there that want to help you.
The Hardest Thing To Do - Forgive Yourself
Saved the best for last. Forgive yourself!
This might be harder than cutting out toxic relationships. Part of it is because we hold ourselves to higher standards than we would anyone in our lives. Also, self-forgiveness takes reflection and understanding, which can be so hard and run very deep.
People who have gone thru serious trauma blame themselves; people, who survived when others didn't, suffer from survivor's guilt. The abused think they've done something to deserve the abuse.
Forgiving oneself might require a lot of work, self-care and self-love. Just remember you're not alone in this. Coaches, therapists, friends, and family can be essential to this part of your journey. A big part of self-love is recognizing who the right people to support you are.
And there you have it. The simple breakdown of what I mean by Self-love. It is simple, needed, and not what you probably thought.